23 May 2006


NO NEED TO WORRY. I have not died. I am surviving...But only by a thread.

This last few months are flown by for me and I am not sure how...Or why I have not taken the time to write...here I am...writing...sooo

Peter and I are in counseling...we can no longer communicate to each other. Over the last few years my life has slowed down...children do that do you...Imagine that?

...their is a lot of resentment that has built up with him getting out(climbing, biking and ice climbing, whatever sport it is at the time) and me at home either pregnant or talking care of the kid(s). Life has just gotten crazy...you work full time, you have bills to pay, grocery shopping, clean the house, do the laundry and now with the two kids, life is insanely hard. I "GET" that Peter needs to get out but we also need to get out as a family, as a couple and I need to get out, but we can't live parallel lives and that is what we are doing. There is not enough time to do all of that in a month, trust me I am trying.

I am the person that people see today because of what Peter gives me emotionally and mentally, I like who I am for the most part (this is a good thing). I don't want to lose him and I don't see my future without him either...once I became pregnant with Sidney my life as I knew it slowed down and has been at that pace until recently and "I feel" like Peter was and is able to still do the same things with out that much adjustment to our situation ( "I FEEL" Message). Now, when Peter leaves on these trip I am fine (at first). I help him pack, I run stay up late to make sure he has gotten everything together, I want to be supportive but then I sit at home thinking about how that use to be me with him, I get lonely, my HEART startes to ache and then the bitter, mean Hilary comes out, I don't like that Hilary, who would? Peter comes home and walks into a bomb shell...it is not fair for Peter and it's not fair for me to feel that way. AGHHH!!! BIG DEEP BREATH!

Peter is a great dad, a loyal husband who works his butt off so we can have a beautiful home, we drive nice cars and the list does go on and on but I need Peter to be around more and I need Peter to WANT to be around more...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH MY HUSBAND? Most couples end up doing the opposite...they don't want to spend time together...

Here is my June for ya all...

1st weekend-Porter and Sidney strep and ear infection-had to miss a day of work

2nd weekend-stomach flu...I don't need to go into the details do I? Three days later Peter and I miss a day of work....why...I bet you don't need to guess...puking...

3rd weekend-Sidney and Porter have yet...another cold....for the LOVE...can't I get a break...

....dear god...I didn't get my last three weekends...can you please send me raincheck on those...love, Hilary( I hope he is listening)

1 comment:

Kari said...

I love you Hilary! Stay strong! Stay beautiful! Keep up the awesome words on your blog. I think it helps you to write down your thoughts. You are an amazing woman, mother, friend and wife!!! I love you with all my heart and I just want to cry tears of joy right now because I'm proud to be your friend!

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