Depression and the bull shit {from here on out in this e-mail shit will be "it"}, of having it.
I wish I didn't have DEPRESSION.
I WISH I didn't have to live with this "it" for the rest of my life.
It's not fair.
It's BULL "IT"!
I hate feeling the way I feel today and have been feeling for a while now.
I try hiding "it" but it's there, lurking. I am only hiding it from others but I still can feel "it".
And you know what else I hate about this "it" once I have "it"?
It's the fact that I am not sure if it will last one day, one week or one month.
This time of year is bad for me. This year has been one of the better years for "how I have been feeling about "it", what I have been doing to keep myself on track and me seeing the warning signs of this "it". This "it" kicked in when Peter was in Texas. I was hoping that "it" would be gone by now. Some days are better and some days are bad, then those BAD days can turn in to weeks---AND now it has been a month. I try hiding "it" but I am like an open book and Peter can read right between the lines {as well as Kari}.
Sometimes seeing and knowing the warning signs of "it" don't do much but it's a good way to let other people know when "it" about to hit the fan.
It seems like I just could sleep for days on end, I don't have energy to do anything and I am starting to feel like everyone would be better off without me. {Kari...don't worry, I am fine.} Editing post later in day...I am talking more alone the lines of why are we together? We never talk or do anything? This impression "nomorally" only happens when I am depressed. If I am not depressed I am use to Peter being MIA. BLAB BLAB BLAB...
Peter came home last night and I was not happy and I didn't talk to him AT ALL . All I asked him was to be home early afternoon Sunday. That's IT (not shit)! That's all I asked of him this weekend. Thursday night Peter was on the phone with Alan...and I kept telling Peter I don't care where you go but I want you home by early afternoon Sunday. I think you get my point. I just mentioned Sunday afternoon like five times... Did Peter get it? Was I asking too much of Peter by being home in time to hang out with us, the kids and I?
Apparently it was...why? Because "IT" happens to me all the time.
Disclaimer: This is only how I feel. This is not how it actually may "BE"!
I was hoping that writing about "it" would make me feel better...hummmmmmmmmmmmm NOT YET!!!
1 comment:
I only looked once and "it" went away, but sometimes others like to remind me of "it" or someone likes me to think that I can't live without "it" and even though I am whole now "it" is still in pursuit but then I realize that I am being tempted away from my Gaze upon the one who is my health. I feed on Him with intense craving as He is my Shepherd. I hope "it" will go away for you.
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