22 February 2007

Why is my TREE not growing?

I want to be more healthy and fit, but have become very secure in my inactive world after having two children.
Each time I go for a run I have encountered a new side of myself--this new self that I somehow need to integrate into my daily life.
There is this struggle within and without. The old lifestyle is there and offers security. I feel like the energy of the "beginner" has worn off, it's hard to motivate myself.
I feel like I have faced a feel obstacles. It's easy to stop when I am feeling aches and pains, when I am sick and tired and even more recently the struggle with running outside verse running on a treadmill-THIS IS KILLING ME. I haven't had to deal with these things before and sometimes the temptation is strong. Negative thoughts kick around in that old head of mine. Thank goodness for Brittany, her support and words of wisdom.
I feel like I am not progressing as fast as I expected when running outdoors. I am hyperactive and impatient. I have planted a seed, I not only want it to grow, but I want it to be a tree by next WEEK.


I want to see the physical and psychological benefits. But also feel if I push too hard, I will tire myself out and end up quitting in frustration{---not if Brittany had any say in this...he he}

THE SEED OF EXERCISE---if I don't crush it---will survive periods of moisture and drought. Just when it seems to be drying up, somehow I spring back into life, rejuvenate, and I propel.

I GET SO PISSED OFF AT MY SELF--why do I stop running (even if it hurts)...I can RUN on a treadmill and deal with pain but can't I out-freakin-side? FOR THE LOVE OF {ME}.
I have been a GYM rat for a few years but not to the point of where I can even RUN outside

I want my workouts to be a special time for {ME}.

(DEAR GOD, if you are listening).
I hope as I make progress I will find strength and security to keep going on. I no longer want to be "just visiting" that special place but belong. I hope gradually I will change. My body will start cleaning itself up, but establishing my mind will will allow me to become the tree I want to become.
I want to be ADDICTED to RUNNING, and I want the "beginner" {that's ME} to become that runner.
Can anyone tell me why my seed is not a tree?

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