24 October 2006

The Battle within...

...So I go through these spells of feeling like I need to start going to church...big deep breath...
These thoughts are not put together yet and come to me at odd times and if I don’t start writing these things down how will I be able to work this out? This is a step to becoming closer to my solution.
Everyday I spend drifting away from my goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain last ground. Not only goals but also things, stuff that I know I should be doing. Will I not be the one that is held accountable for not teaching Sidney and Porter about Gods love for then? So when do I start going back to church? And if not now, when? Why am I seeking God? Am I looking for improvement in my self and my life? Why do I not feel content? I find when I am struggling I turn to the lord for assist and strength, to guild me and give me direction but tend to look the other way when things are going good. He has given me all that I have today and who I have become as a wife and a mother but find it hard to repay him for all he has given me. Will I be able to reach my full potential without him in my life? How will this affect my children and how they grow up with out God in their lives? In addition, would my life feel easier with him? How will I find the strength to following through once I start back? I know it will be hard not to have Peter be part of that aspect. How will this affect me? The only religion I have had in my life is the LDS church and if I start going to the LDS church there will be things that I would need to give up.... Is this adding more to my plate? Am I only setting my self up for failure? AGGGGHHHH! I know that I need to start doing something because doing nothing is not working…


Nancy said...

I am not sure how I ended up at your blog tonight but I hope you read my comments and perhaps contact me.
You do need God in your life because it is the only way that you will ever feel content. He is the strength that you need. Please think of it as one day at a time... maybe just start with 10 minutes of prayer and reading your Bible first thing in the morning. God is already there waiting for you and He wants to have a relationship with you. Your children also need the religous foundation to make intelligent choices about their lives... they will never know unless they are taught. I am not familar with the LDS church but maybe you could meet Peter half-way and visit his choice of churches or at least pray that God will let him see God reflected in your life so that he would desire a relationship with God. My first thought was spending time with God each morning, my next thought is to pray for guidance, then seek spiritual guidance from a pastor,friend, or therapist. I definitely feel like God is speaking to you and deep down you know that He is the only solution especially when you feel nothing is working for you. "Come to Me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest!" Matthew 11:28 I am praying for you. carson132@bellsouth.net or http://carson132.blogspot.com

Kari said...


I struggle with the same issues everyday. I want to be closer to God and I feel guilty because He has given me the happiness and the good life I live right now too! I feel that I owe it to Him, myself, and my family (especially Matthew) to love and praise Him on a daily basis. As you know, I was brought up Catholic and stopped going when I went to college. I baptized Matthew last year in the Catholic church and had plans to take him. I want to give Matthew some direction but I'm not 100% sold on the rules or all the beliefs of the Catholic church. But, that is the only thing I know. I do know that Matthew needs religion and I do know that it will rest solely on me to give Matthew that direction. Jeff has told me that he will not participate and has not encouraged me. Maybe the answer is to try out something else until you find a good fit. I can understand asking for God's guidance through prayer, but I'm not religious enough to know when I'm getting the right answer. Not a Sunday goes by where I think, "I need to expose Matthew to a place of worship." Maybe we can help each other by talking through this. I love you Hilary and I'm here for you.

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